My moment was knowing I was sick and feeling helpless. When I look back, I blamed the doctor. How could he let me get sick? Why would he not give me what I needed to get better? I will be honest, I was happy for a while being the victim. I acted as though I had no responsibility and was being let down by everyone around me. This allowed me to be angry, frustrated and to justify how I was being.
Recognizing this is a big deal! I mean firstly I see that there is no part of me who wanted to be responsible for it. Here I am in pain and suffering and then recognizing that I was the source of it. EEEEEEEK!!!! Yup I will be the first to say that I did everything I could to hide this fact for myself for as long as I could. And then… WHAM! I finally saw the choice.
To be… or not to be… the victim
Feeling helpless is not a place I like. Not knowing where to turn, confused and scared. But I had a choice, I could stay there, or I could fight. I chose to fight. Fight for my health, my confidence, my self-empowerment, and my life.
This was a scary time, I didn’t know what to do, or even where to start looking. It all felt a like a needle in a haystack and I didn’t even know where the haystack was.
And then I realized something, I had my tribe. This step is probably one of the biggest ones. I had been living life alone, even though I had family and friends who love me and offered support. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth. I was broken and it was my fault! I had felt this way since I was a kid. That something was wrong with me and if anyone actually found this out I would actually be alone. So I hid for so long.
We all have our tribe, it doesn’t have to be big, or small, it’s still there. In my tribe, I have strong people, many women, who have suffered and survived. Who have fallen down and gotten back up. Who have felt lost and asked for help and been vulnerable anyway. What if I just let myself be vulnerable and ask for help. What’s the worst that could happen?
By reaching out to my tribe and sharing I was able to find comfort, support and a path to start on.
Owning my journey AND being supported
Many people have asked me what was it that made me healthy? There are many answers the right food, the right exercise, the right mind. But the truth is, they all came because of one thing. Self-care and Self-love! The moment I allowed others to support me I was able to take see that I had strength. On days when I didn’t believe in myself, they lifted me up. Some days they literally held me up or held me as I cried. The days I felt strong they cheered me on. Seeing my own strength gave me the power to take control of my knowledge, my actions, and beliefs.
The moment I saw results
We live in a world so focused on goals, results, and measurables. Yet when it comes to health and wellness, you may not always see the results. We have all conditioned ourselves with self-doubt, self-harm, self-pity. Then, when something truly amazing is happening we become blind to it. So the challenge is finding the truth through clarity, through seeing yourself for who you really are. Sounds easy, but for me and I would guess so many of you it is actually the hardest thing we have to face.
In my next post, I’ll tell you about the day I took off my self-loathing glasses and saw the true me. How I made this transition of self-love, care, and acceptance.