These past few months have been filled with difficult situations, overwhelming emotions, and BIG decisions. The kind of situations that you can not prepare for. What I have seen in these moments is how easy it is to disengage. For emotions of overwhelm, frustration and anger to take over. And nothing in these moments make me want to make lemonade! It is moments like these when I remember why I practice yoga. A while back I wrote a post that I do yoga so I can bend and not break. This is no less true today. And sometimes I just want to crawl into a ball, cry and quit.
When loss seems insurmountable
We recently lost our nephew. A young man newly stepping out into the world. There is nothing fair about it. Quite simply it sucks. He was the same age as my son, and no one can tell us why. He simply did not wake up one morning. Emotions since have flowed from sadness to anger. Each time I feel I have made peace with it, something reminds me of how big the loss is for our family. I am witness to the suffering of his parents and know there is nothing I can do. His grandparents grieving and know there is nothing I can do. I feel my own sadness and know there is nothing I can do.
So, in the face of not being able to change things, what is there to do? We are wired as human beings to find meaning and solve problems. A daily quest that never seems to end. Look at how many ways we look for answers. We watch shows that in 1 short hour filled with commercials a crime can be solved. Quick fix solutions have become our go to. When the real world is much more complex and complicated. And sometimes, there isn’t a solution.
This quest leaves me exhausted and still without answers. What if there are no answers? I mean really no answers. Even if someone could tell me the reason why, would it change anything? The answer is no. Nothing can make it feel better, or solve it. And what if that is ok?
When pain and suffering is abundant
Two of our family members are also in need of heart surgery. I know we are lucky to live in a country where medical intervention is so readily available. And that doesn’t take away the scary possible complications. We wait from appointment to appointment to know what will happen. To decide what to do. All the while feeling like we are in limbo.
The well-being of family members is always difficult. We put our life on pause when our children are sick. We spend our time cuddling and caring for them. Silently we worry while they sleep. We ponder the best method to bring them back to health. To see them free to play and live their fullest lives.
The build-up of impact
From day to day we deal with so much. There are times when I am aware and can see what I need. I can see the need for space, or action. And there are times when it is easy to overlook the impact of it all. Either way, the impact builds. It shows up everywhere. And I can only see it when I stop. When I look.
What I’m learning to do is listen! Listen to me and listen to those around me. This allows me to be with what is happening. To be with the impact. With love instead of judgment. With kindness instead of expectation. And above all to be gentle and allow.
How I’m seeing through the clouds of emotions
This seems like a lesson I learn over and over. There are times when I really think this means there was something wrong with me. That I am clearly broken. That I am not strong or resilient. And then there are times when I know the truth. I am human!
This morning as I sit down to write to you, I am reminded of a poem from my childhood.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you want to smile but can only sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
I will not give up! I chose to be gentle. To forgive myself for all the things I’ve said to myself that hurt me. I chose to be contributed to, to ask for help and accept it fully. To take the space I need, that I deserve. I chose to allow emotions to overwhelm me, and to see the light through them.
I know that I will be ok, I can see the evidence in all the times I have fallen and risen again. Stronger, with more awareness and clarity, with more strength.
And I know that above all I have a beautiful community of exception family and true friends that hold me up. That reminds me who I am when I forget. Who consistently inspire me with how strongly they love and the passion they bring to the world.
The light in me loves and adores the light in each one of you! Namaste