Recently I’ve been spending time thinking about my ability or lack of ability to trust. It is so easy to remember the people who proved untrustworthy, or why I didn’t trust in a possibility or even myself. What has been hard is to look back at how not trusting people who had worked hard to show me they could be trusted has created conflict and even ruined friendships. And how by withholding trust I have missed out on self awareness and the “what could have been” feeling.
I’ve also been looking at why I put up walls and chose to not trust, they all fall into the following list in some way:
- Fear of
- repeating history
- being wrong
- being ridiculed
- being taken advantage of
- Looking at people and things through a jaded lens
I’ve decided to make this a focus for 2017 and 2018
So where to start, well it isn’t like I can just wave a magic wand and poof I can trust again. It will take self awareness, mindful thinking and challenging my first response. I will need patience and to be gentle with myself as this will be a lifelong change. So, I decided to start with baby steps and just look for opportunities to practice.
To help break it down I spent some time learning about the different kinds of trust and what I could plan to empower myself in each kind.
Trusting other people
The first part is having the confidence and faith that the decisions of a family or friend is based on love. They are going to make mistakes, just as much as I will. So in these moments I’ve chosen to focus on their intention not the result.
Trusting my intuition is hard, somewhere between my initial gut reaction and my overactive monkey mind bringing fear I can lose my way. I’m working to hear my intuition and give myself permission to follow it.
Accepting setbacks with love
We I can be resilient I can also be my worse critic. When something goes wrong, my ego stands up and gets angry. This has been the hardest part for me, my intuition and heart speaks softly. So to help me lead from my intuition and heart I have to be okay with set backs, slips and be ready to celebrate success. So I choose to take baby steps day by day to become more open and trusting.
Ernest Hemingway said, “the best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.”
How To Unlearn Mistrust
1) Believe that I am not broken, in need of repair. I am perfect and whole AS I AM
- There is nothing about me that needs to be fixed, or have someone else fill anything in me. I am a complete, complex being with unlimited potential.
- No one can take anything away from me, or make a decision on my behalf.
- I betray my own trust by placing unattainable expectations on myself.
2) Believe in the Possibility
The past is the past, now is now and the future is the future. They don’t overlap, and the people in each of them may be the person you recognize, but they are not the same. Every moment of life our experience, perspectives and values change. So if I project the past on the future I am limiting possibilities and added pressure to everyone. What is happening now can be changed at any moment to reframe the future, the choice is mine.
3) Recognize the trust that is working
For me to have the life I have so many things have to happen. To have the apple I had today I had to trust so many people, from the farmer to the grocery store employee stocking the shelves. Yet I do it without acknowledgement.
So many times my husband does things that go unnoticed, they become part of your everyday. When in fact, each of those little things are an example of trust. By taking time to celebrate them I reinforce my ability to trust and provide him the gratitude his love and support deserves.
4) Listen To Your Intuition
I tend to get caught up in what I believe in the greatness in people to see the red flags that can help me be observant. So I have to really listen to my intuition and ask myself some key questions:
- How do they treat other people?
- How do they talk about others?
- Do they gossip or share other people’s secrets?
- Have I seen them support and lift up another person?
5) Understand what I attract
Our thoughts are powerful, if I am worried and thinking that I will betrayed I am bringing that energy. I get caught up in looking look for signs of betrayal, and even putting the person under a microscope. What’s iron is that you can start to clearly see things that aren’t real, you’ll see what you want to see, even if it’s not there.
6) Believe That I Deserve Trusting Relationships
I’m giving myself compassion and the ability to forgive myself for the brick walls I have built around myself. And the permission to take it down. To believe in my self worth, and know that I will attract what I allow.
7) Stay in my circle of control
The only control I have in life is of myself. By acting with integrity, honesty and giving 100% authentically of myself I can lead from my heart is all I need to do. The rest will happen on it’s own, so why exhaust myself trying to control or influence every situation.