My victory over “I’m not lovable”

Have you ever noticed that much of our suffering stems from limiting beliefs? That it can stop you from happiness or peace everywhere in life? This is the belief that “I’m not lovable.”

How it all started

Here I am living the life of a free child when suddenly a moment occurs. A moment where everything changes. At that moment, a 5-year-old said: “I’m not lovable.” It wasn’t true; it was a child’s reaction. And yet, I have spent 40 years finding evidence that it’s true. I am discounting and dismissing all the evidence to the contrary. Each time confirms how right I am!

I have been living a life within the belief of a lie. And this lie RUNS ME! I can see it in my marriage where I consistently doubt; I live in fear that one day my incredible husband of 23 years will know the truth and leave me. It’s in my friendships where I never quite understand why I even have a friend in the first place; I spend my time trying to make up for my lack of being lovable through “helping.” I can even see it in my business when I am afraid to put something out there and fear you won’t see its value.

Who do I have to be to keep the lie?

This week I saw something about it that I didn’t like. Okay, if I’m honest, it kicked my ass! I saw who I must be with people to keep the “I’m not loveable” lie alive. I have to be someone who treats people as too stupid to know the truth. That I make my friends and family wrong for loving me. I discount everything they do to show me their love. Instead of accepting it, I think, wow, if only they knew the truth. And I’m saying they aren’t as smart as me, and if they were, they would know.

In cleaning this up with them, I found out how exhausting it is for them! I knew it was exhausting me; hiding how unlovable I am is what keeps me up at night and what I pass out to. But in speaking with people authentically about the lie I’ve been living in, I discovered that they felt not good enough and had to try to love me even more so I’d finally see it and believe them. UGH!!!

Discovering I’m lovable

Seeing it isn’t enough to bust it up! We know so much these days. We have access to more knowledge than at any time in the history of the world. And yet, we are more unhappy; we have less health and well-being. So knowing isn’t the answer.

You see, once I discovered this lie, I could come clean. I share it with my family and friends and even share it so easily with you. And now that I have seen that I said it in the first place, I created it.

I now can see how I allowed some people in my life to treat me with disregard for how I made it okay and welcomed it because it made the lie true. I can also see all the people fighting to help me know the truth of who I am in the world. Who I am for my family and friends. And I can honor them by being my best self!

I get to declare something new for my life. Now, I can create my life of respecting the fantastic people in my life as the incredible people they genuinely are. I can accept and acknowledge the big and small things they do to show their love to me and the world. And most of all, I can be free from what a five-year-old says. To live my life fulfilled and with joy.


No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinicians.


  1. Kerry says:

    I literally wrote down I’m not lovable and nobody will ever love in a therapy exercise and now I came across this blog post. So insightful, thank you for sharing and I really hope I come to this healing point as well.

    • melanie says:

      Hi Kerry, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I have my own memories of therapy conversations and know how difficult it is to acknowledge, and the difference it makes to do so. I’m so grateful that you have this support person in your life. Please know that we all come to this point of recovery, and it takes time, self-compassion, and standing for ourselves to get there. The fact that you are in therapy, acknowledging the mind’s words, and reading this blog tells me you are on the right track!

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